Why I...

What do I throw these parties every weekend? I am not sure anymore. I think I started because I wanted to gain fame and prestige, but know all I want is her. I thought maybe, just maybe, if I became so well known, that the people of East Egg would hear of me, including Daisy. I thought maybe, she would remember who I am and leave her husband. In the beginning I liked the parties, but now I just stare at the people and I think to myself, "I do not know more than half of these people." So I guess I am not sure why I have these parties anymore. I can only guess that some part of me still believes that I can be with her and hopes that she may finally show up at my door.

What I was feeling...

I cannot believe that she will not be mine... I cannot fathom the sadness I myself am in. I try to forget her, I attempt to leave her behind but I cannot. I throw party after lavish party hoping that she will arrive and find me, and leave that horrid man she is with and come to me. But now, as I stare out into the crowd of people who have arrived in anticipation of one of my grand gala's, I do not see her. I doubt I will ever see her. She could never leave her husband for a nobody like me, but I at least have to try. I have to make sure that she knows how I feel... but I am terrified of what may happen afterward... who is to know what could happen; but no matter what could happen, I will find out the truth; I will attempt to make her mine again.

What I was thinking...

I was standing... standing on my pier staring out into the darkness. I stare into the dark, hoping that somehow, somewhere she is thinking of me, wanting to find me. I hope these things and yet I know there is no chance that these sophomoric hopes will ever come to florishion. The woman that I love, the woman with whom I want to spend my life; she is lost to me. It is as if I am not just staring into the dark sea, but rather the void. I am standing at the precipice and one more step could send me hurtling into darkness... but there is something stopping me. There is a light, a light that splits the void and sunders the darkness. That small green light at the end of Daisy's dock, that is what keeps me from stepping into the darkness; that is what stifles my movement into the void. I will find my way through the void and into the light... I swear it.